Larenweg Zaidan
Background Information Larenweg "Larry" Zaidan not only invented, but is also considered to be the master of the musical instrument we call the "tuba." Larry was born at an early age, in the city of Kisetropi. He used is magical talents to actually drive his mother home from the hospital on the day he was born. Larry is a musical prodigy, mastering and inventing the tuba when he was a fetus. Larry is also a master of the piano, clarinet, trombone, and oboe. Larenweg is considered to be the only currently living demigod. Early Life After driving his mother home from the hospital on the day of his birth, Larenweg reclaimed Jerusalem from the Islamic Caliph by calling down the wrath of God. At the age of 4, Larry had already gotten a PhD in Ziggitysim, and had begun to master wizardry. Midlife Larenweg was able to accomplish a bit in his several thousand midlife years. He saved the world many times and took over the world using Ziggitysim. Most of his midlife is becoming involved as much as possible in Ziggitysim and making it what it is today. Most of his midlife can be told on this page on Section 3:1. End Life He eventually became settled down and assented to the rank of a middle school band teacher, a truly holy job fit for the legend that saved the world many times. His body was getting old and one day his first vessel would expire so to keep on his holy life he decided to craft a better looking, stronger, good at attracting women, and longer living vessel of his holy word. He retired and his vessel came to get his powers. Larenweg's 1st vessel is still alive but, since he no longer has the power of god he can not be considered alive. Now the second vessel is somewhere in Korea, Mastering his powers. Teachings and Feats These following listings holy feats and teachings all must follow in order to become true followers of Larenweg. We hope that you enjoy these listings and above all we hope you tell these tales and teachings to others so they can obey the true form of Ziggitysim and not the other ways.(Jewdayism, Christananneity, Muslambism, and such and so on.) Teachings Larenweg is well known for his quotes to help others know music such as "Every good boy does fine for the lines." While mildly sexist it is very useful and true words from the all powerful god of Ziggitysim. * He has also shown his students of the only thing more important than music, attendance. While he may seem to be lazy when taking ten minutes to do attendance, surprisingly he is showing the true way to protect yourself as a follower of Ziggitysim. No one can explain how this works other than the man himself. * He has shown the world the true powers of the legendary hand railing. He never fell after getting one. He was gifted by the gods a hand railing after falling down several thousand steps. Luckily he has endless and unrelenting strength and resisted death. He still broke a small part of his grand arm of doom. * The most important teaching of all in order to become a complete disciple of Larenweg is to never sneeze. He still tells the tale of the child who sneezed in his dojo in Mesakropis. The boy sneezed and opened a rift in the Demonic Zigitayic dimension. This forced him to ban the common action of a sneeze due to its unpredictable forces and angering consequences. Feats Some feats are a hard to believe and some people may call these legendary feats fake. These are 100% real and they are all recorded in the archives of Kisetropi and have evidence in the books listed: * Communist Manifesto * Mein Kampf * Elmer Gantry * The Very Hungry Caterpillar * Wikipedia Articles such as ** Emu War Now you can read about the amazing feats of the Musical Santa, L-Dog, and his many other names. How Larenweg saved the world. It was a normal day with Larenweg, birds chirping, tuba playing. That was until a rift formed in the Kistropian Demonic portal leading to the hellish depths below. Demons flew out and killed countless angles near the rift. Big Z had to put down his tuba. The wild flock of church goers near him fled to avoid direct confrontation. Demons started to fall back as Larenweg took his majestic celestial demi-god form. He now had wings and wasn't his normal form of Grumpy Old man. His hair became full and he was flawless. His facial complexion was too powerful for the weakest demon invaders and they burned on the spot. He mauled the other demons and cast them into the terrible Korak Dungeon Dimension. The demons were stopped and couldn't destroy the world like they planned to do. Larenweg became his Grumpy Old man form again and picked up his tuba. He played country roads even though it was 9437BC thus proving his name of "Man from the Future". How Larenweg Killed Hitler. Larenweg Ziggity Zaidan Walked into Fuhrer-bunker and shot Hitler. How Larenweg Blew Up the Death Star. ''' He had explosive diarrhea resulting in total annihilation of the Imperial Starfleet. '''How Larenweg Saved Europe from Australia. Twas an average day on the Ranch with Robert Vigus and Larenweg farming Zigberries, when Larenweg's spidey senses informed him that his former home in Bavaria was being attacked by Australian emus. The Australians planned to use the emus to distract Europeans while they were attacking, and to redistribute the black plague, which Australians are immune to. Distracted by the emus, the Europeans didn't notice the Australian tanks and HUMVEES spreading vegemite and burning things. Larenweg used the ZiggityChopper, which he and Robert built by hand, to fly to Bavaria and defend Europe. Larenweg had Robert scream "Buongiorno Ragazzi" into a microphone to hypnotize the Australians, and it partially worked. The Australians began attacking the emus, but Larenweg knew that this wasn't enough. Larenweg drank his Zigberry juice to harness the power of God. He got out of the ZiggityChopper, and started shooting the Australians with magic eye lasers, which reduced the Australians to dust. He then realized that the invasion was not about conquering new territory, but about challenging Ziggityism. Larenweg knew this because he saw that the Australian General was religious leader Moe Lester, the biggest enemy of Larenweg and of Ziggityism! Larenweg killed him with a pump shotgun, and then t-bagged his corpse like a true God. He than finally forced the last living Australians with emu bites and infections increasing to sign the Treaty of Huelva which they did. How Larenweg became better looking. ''' Larenweg was getting tired of his life with an old man body as his primary form. He started to plan his next form after his old man form dies. He crafted the hottest guy he could make once it was around 2017. He created child version of himself(1995) except it wasn't his old man like form. He new when designing his next form for decades that in the future Koreans were going dominate in everything. He created one so he would dominate once he was that Korean. After his death in 2017 his Korean self was given all his power and knowledge. We still are unsure who the Korean is but, we know they must have been born in 1991. '''How Larenweg used the emus. Larenweg was travelling to Australia to reconfirm that the Australians were not going to attack his religion like said in the Treaty of Huelva, ever again. The Australians still agreed with Article 2 but now disobeyed Article 1. Now he was leaving and felt safe because his religon wasn't under attack. He was about to board the Zigity Zagity Zugatry private jet. Then he heard a inaudible scream from the woods. He then saw an emu get killed by 100 Australians, which suprised Larenweg as the emu should have prevailed. Then he saw that several hundred Australians were dead behind the poor emu. Larenweg realized that Article 1 was about not killing the emus or using them against Larenweg and his religion. This made Larenweg pissed off and he decided to help the emus. The treaty never mentioned the use of emus for Larenweg so he met with Smokey the president of the Australian Emu States. He was smoking hardcore and when Larenweg came into is house. They settled that they would starve the Australians and then attack and murder the women and children so the Australians can't have children or have soon to be soldiers or women. Then they would get all the men into a valley and they would ram them and kill them all. Most of these ideas were from Smokey. They then carried out the actions starting with eating all the crops. Their plan was foiled when the farmers called in the army. "The emus were like tanks," said the head of the military operation, Sir George Pearce. They bit some of the soldiers before leaving and then they later died of infection. The operation to end the emus failed over all and the emus were saved. Article 1 was agreed to but, the emus don't know this and will get revenge for the 10 casualties of this war compared to the 1,004 of Australia. Most of these deaths were in the battle for Anna Creek Station. Larenweg won and so did the emus. How Larenweg discovered America. Twas a long time ago, in 400 BC, when Larenweg decided he needed a place to be the home of Ziggityism. Larenweg abandoned Kisetropi (in current day Kitrema) as Kisetropi was war torn, and most people started to reject Ziggityism. Larry drank his Zigberry Juice which transformed him into his Celestial Form, and then he built the ZNS Zigmeister, and sailed out of the Persian Gulf into the Indian Ocean. Lost at sea, he used the Guidance of the Zigberry to find a new land, with no countries. He sailed through the Bay of Bengal, through Indonesia, through the Philippines, and into the Pacific Ocean. During this time, he only ate dried Zigberries and drank Zigberry Juice. He soon ended up on the shore of Present day Oregon. He didn't like the area, so he went inland. After months of travelling, he eventually found a place he wanted to call home. This place was current day Pocatello, Idaho. He saw many fields to grow Zigberries, and forests (which later he would harvest wood to build the ranch with Robert Vigus). He created a Zion for himself, and readied the land for society for years to come. How Larenweg Zaidan defeated Maria Paese. Maria, evil as always, was seeking to destroy Larenweg and Ziggityism. She even tried to turn Robert Vigus against Ziggityism, and enlist him to work for her. Larenweg cast the Curse of the Ziggity upon her, casting her into eternal captivity at Pearl River Middle School.Category:Religion Important Facts These are the listings of both abilities and much more such as treaties and important documents. Larenweg has done all these commonly known and lesser known abilities in a common a battle or in music. Before we start here are the most commonly known abilities Larenweg can use.(Listed from most common to least.) # Drive a stick shift. # Create a new vessel that can last about 10,000 years and modify it so it lasts as long as he wants as a certain look(learned this after ageing into a full grown elderly man) and as strong has he wants as long as they can't lift more than 300,000,000,000 tons. The first form was more crude and muscular than the second. The second is thought be able to lift around 10,000,000,000 tons but more invested in magic and intelligence while the first can lift 200,000,000,000 tons but less magic based and smart. # Can shoot lasers out of his bare hands. # Can lick his elbows. # Could kill the entire human race only at 3:47 pm, every other Tuesday, January through March, every other century. # He can avoid being called a boomer. # He can give marbles but is still working on taking them away. Documents of Importance # Archives of Kisetropi. The Archives of Kisetropi were created by Larenweg and documented the destruction of Kisetropi and Larenweg's childhood years. Some even believe that the archives precede the Book of Leviticus in the Bible. # Book of Mormon. In the Book of Mormon, it is widely believed that Larry takes the form of Jesus, being the true God he is. # 'Book of Sergey. '''Larenweg did not teach Sergey to be a true Slav, but he invented the Slavic people and invented the concept of Eastern Europe. # '''Doctrine of the Ziggityist. '''This is a book of Ziggityism written by Larenweg. It teaches the basic rules of Ziggityism. # '''Treaty of Huelva. ' This treaty ended the battle for Europe. A brief summary is that it ended hate towards emus and abusive use and that Australia will never attack Ziggitysim ever again.